Diamonds 'n' Pearls: I Am Not Alone, You Are Not Alone...

The truth is I've been unwell. Earlier on this year I went through a bout of anxiety which was confusing and difficult for me as I'd never really experienced anything like it before. Panic attacks, irregular breathing and becoming scared of just doing every day things. All of it was completely unlike me and it totally freaked me out. I took some time out to work through it all and after a few weeks thought I was OK and ready to get back into my everyday life.

However just 9 weeks on and everything seemed to fall apart again, as I'm writing this I can feel the tears fill my eyes because I've found all of this so difficult to understand. I went back to my doctor after another scary episode of panic attacks one morning and I knew I needed help. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after speaking to him about the way I had been feeling, I told him about it all, my (what I thought) were irrational thoughts, my mood and the panic attacks I had been getting. When he turned around and told me he believed I had depression as well as the anxiety I didn't really understand and walked out of the surgery, prescription in hand thinking 'what the hell have I got to be depressed about?'. I felt guilty for the feelings I had been having and felt like I was ridiculous for being in this state, I had no reason to be depressed I should just be getting on with life as I always do, confident, independent me who just takes things on, I remember actually telling myself to stop being silly.

I don't judge anyone, anyone at all, however I now completely understand when people say 'unless you've been through it you won't understand' and they were right. I've known people with depression and anxiety, friends, acquaintances, etc and although I've always tried my best to sympathise, actually trying to understand their condition and what they were going through was more difficult. I'm sure many of us will just look at someone from the outside, weigh up the amazing things they may have going for them and think about the person we know and love, think and even say to them '...but you've got all this!'. I realise now that depression can touch anyone. The most successful, beautiful, talented, intelligent people who from the outside seem to have everything can be struck with depression, depression doesn't care who you are, what you've got, what you do, how much is in your bank account, how many people love you, it takes no prisoners and it completely sucks you in, I'm sure I don't need to remind you of the recent, tragic death of Robin Williams and the details that later unfolded of how he was battling with the condition which later led to his suicide.

After the weeks have gone on since my diagnosis I am slowly coming to terms with it and taking the time to understand it all. I have spoken to friends and family who have been very supportive and understanding of my condition, others have been good but I can see that look on their faces, that same look that I used to have when someone would tell me they had depression and although I know they are completely sympathetic I also know that just like me once upon a time, they just don't get it, they don't understand and that's fine, it's not their fault.

I am slowly working my way through things with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy, lots of self care and some focus on other things like exercise to put me in the best space I can be in. I also wanted to explain to you guys that I am currently working on a little bit of weight loss. I will only mention this once as I am adamant that this space will forever be a diet free zone but I needed you to know the reasons why my outfit posts have been a bit off the radar and why I may start to look a little different in future photographs. I am working on my fitness as I have found that exercise, especially walking and swimming help me clear my head when I feel bad about everything that is going on in it, this has obviously led to some weightloss for me and I have in the last few weeks lost around 2 stone which I'm sure will continue as I carry on down the exercise route. I've found some of my clothes fit me oddly or just don't seem to look right and when I've tried to take outfit pictures nothing has felt like it looks good, this is the main reason as to why the outfits have lacked recently, I hope you understand that this is not me hating my body, I still love it as much as I did before but this is about putting my mind in a good place (and my level of fitness). I still am a fatty and will always be whether I gain a little, lose a little or whatever, but I wanted to explain to you guys. I hope you can support me with this and if any of you have any questions I am happy to answer in private via email which you can find in the top right hand corner of the blog, I will try my best to answer anything.

Anyway in summary, I've been unwell, I'm getting better, I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I hope the majority of this makes sense as to why I've been a bit off the radar but I also wanted to put it all out there to encourage any of you who may be going through anything similar to seek help. Talk to someone, your doctor, your friends, your family, anyone who will listen and help you through it. You aren't alone. Mental health issues are real, they're a real illness and they need to be understood and looked after as importantly as any other illness. Be kind to yourselves.